New journal.. 20_nascar_love

add me.. or comment in that journal to be added..

I love how im not fucking wanted.. I love how I make you mad. I love how I piss you off to where you just walk away. I love how im ugly. I love how I fucked up. I love how I have nothing to live for. I love how I come home at night to cry. I love how you ignore me when others are around. I love how im not skinny like everyone else. I love how I feel inside when im with you. I love how I had fun the times we have shared. I love how I can be happy driving around with no one and my radio on. I love how he smells good. I love how he acts. I love how I have a job and still get yelled at for not doing anything. I love how I will never have that relationship again. I love how you assume things. I love how people talk shit. I love how I will never have him back. I love how you smile. I love how you listen. I love how you talk. I love how im all alone in this fucked up world. I love how he left me. I love how you yell at me. I love how I get used.

I think im going to become emo or something and cry all the time and hate myself because thats how im feeling riite now. I want to be with my brother alone and away from everything and everyone.. I want to be free and away from all the fucking high school drama. I want to be able to talk to him when I want not when he wants. I wish I could still be in Texas with my brother. I miss him so much. I need a counselor really bad and I need to stop making myself feel like this.. its not good for me and I think im going to starve from now on. And make myself really sick to where I curl up and cant move. I want to be with my brother and I want him now. I cant stop crying and I cant stop thinking.. It sux! I hate my life when everyone else is happy but all they are doing is fucking talking shit! I HATE PEOPLE AND NO IM NOT MENTIONING ANY NAMES!! Its all bullshit. Just sitting here thinking.. did my brother do the riite thing? I wish I was there to stop him. I wish it was me not him, but I wouldnt want to put him through this pain.. What am I going to do at my wedding? What about my kids, what do I tell them about their uncle? How am I going to tell my sister when shes old enough to understand? Would dropping out and running away solve anything? All I want is to be alone and have him here to talk to because hes the only one that understands.. UGHHH I FUCKING HATE ME!!!!!!!! I wouldnt be surprised if everything ended tonight.. I want it all to be over, all the pain, all the suffering, all the tears, all the sleepless nights, I cant take it anymore..

Seriously I sit and wonder all these teenage deaths what would happen if there was one more? What would people do? Would they cry? Would they laugh? Would they even care? Would anyone show at the funeral? I dont know but I cant take this shit anymore.

Im out.. Good night. Im definitely not falling asleep so I guess ill go to work in the morning tired and bitchy!!!

depressed

To let everyone know.. The campout tomorrow night at my house is on!!!

RSVP!!! lol.. bring your friends we will have so much fun. bring food, games, friends, music, anything.. oo yea and a lot of blankets its going to be freezing cold front is coming in and its going to be major!!!!!!!!!!

Call me for information!!

I have to work so probably around 9 it will start?

EVERYONE BETTER BE HERE!

crazy

After school yesterday took marie and laura over to savannas.. Watched Napolean Dynamite with jenna and alex and then just chilled.. Took marie and laura home and went back to savannas and watched chasing liberty with jenna alex and savanna.. I finally go to see noah again.. hes sooo damn cute.. i love that lil boy!

Went to the rodeo last night with savanna, jenna then ashley and rebecca met us there.. We had fun expecially when ashely lost her keys.. "Did you see keys hanging out of my pants? I know you were looking at my butt" lol.. the greatest! J-Walking was the greatest expecially the people honking when they were no where close to us.. Going shopping at the gas station with ashleys debit card.. lmao! soo much fun! thanks a bunch! Definitely going to do that again..  

Well today was fun! i loved it actually.. well most of it! horticulture brightens my day it makes it like 10 times better.. we played kick ball in first hour and then basketball in second hour and then horticulture.. except the one little incedent with jenna everything was great! i shoveled with savanna and nadia and then we went inside and played cards like always! i love marie, savanna, nadia, r.j., jackie, chrissy, and danielle.. we always have fun! then lunch *sold my fone for lunch and then hung with r.j., savanna, nadia, big ryan, jay, gabe, and cherry pepsi.. lol* fourth hour horticulture was fun with chrissy and r.j. too bad we didnt have cards. ill bring mine tomorrow!

Chrissy and i might go to the car show on friday.. I wanna go see hide and seek.. We should all go!! And sonny's for dinner?? havent had in a while and ive been craving sweet tea!! mmmm.. Cant wait for the chili cookoff on sunday!! the greatest day of the year! gotta admit!

Back to cleaning my closet, doing laundry, then off to work at 6..

<3nichole.

BLAHHHHH!

Im bored at the moment.. just sitting here nothing to do and have seen along came poly about  a million times since being sick.. nothing else on hbo besides good burger which ive been watching too.. hmm.. Ive been thinking.. would selling my car, buying a plane ticket, taking all money out of my account, be worth it? Would moving back to Texas solve all my problems? I would miss everyone but still would it make me a happier person? I think it would. I just want to know is it because ive been depressed is it finally coming to me that my brother has been gone for almost a year now? Is that whats been making me this way? I cry a lot not on purpose or anything and I cry when my mom yells at me.. She tells me im useless and im of no worth.. well then why the fuck did ya fuck my dad without a condom and not have an abortion if ya dont want me? If i just make your life that much worse? I dont get it.. I think after high school since my moms making me leave her house i will move back.. To live with my aunt tho. maybe starting a relationship with my father would be a good idea? Havent really thought of it though he would probably be more appreciative of me then my own mother.. I just need to talk to someone i guess.. I hold too much shit in and it just ends up hurting me in the end. It sucks. Life sucks. Next weekend is going to be the best weekend of my life expecially because my mother is going out of town and i wont have to hear her bitching and complaining.. i just wanna be with my friends and have no one aggrivating me.

On another note.. this morning while walking out to my car to leave my house i had roses on my windsheild no awe.. its just i dont know what to do anymore hes trying to change but its not working he still finds ways to "keep track" of me.. calling my friends 24/7 (getting kinda old..) and its just i dont kno i feel riite now i want to be alone and i want to have my space i kno i dont have my space riite now and its going to get worse if im not able to get it.. i want to go one day without you bothering me.. let me call you.. the 2:30 school bell rings and so does my freaking fone.. i cant even leave school without you wondering where im going or with who.. thats not me im very independent and if you havent realized that you have another thing coming.. im sorry if im being bitchy or what not but its how i feel and finally the truth is coming out i guess.. i just need to come face to face with you and let you kno because you say we r starting over but is that what i really want?

Well i guess its time to stop venting my problems out on lj but i guess it helps in a way..

<3crazy me..

P.S. anyone interested in the rodeo wednesday?? let me know!!

bitchy

Hahaha.. Tanya, Becca, and Me..

WE CAN SEE YOU...

1 pair of overalls.. fit for 2..

Went shopping for our chili cookoff outfits.. camo overalls and black tanks.. cant wait till next sunday!!!

oo yea anyone wanna go to the rodeo on wednesday?? BIG GROUP FUN.. definitely 3rd hour horticulture group!!!

And by the way i still havent got my voice back fully.. hopefully i wake up tomorrow back to normal..

bummed..

Friday night.. Turco's party..

Well school started again.. P.E and Horticulture all day!! yes! anyways.. david and i were fighting to the point where we were going to break up.. I was confused and so was he! Well tuesday had a nice night with my mom, chicken kitchen and then Hairspray the musical which was awesome! sooo funny! lol! Then yesterday after school met jenna and jew boy and peter and eric and chandler and dip at the movies, i screamed (the only one in the theater) met parents for dinner and then met up with david at young billiard and talked.. so glad i did that because things are back to normal! He has a nice looking hicki on his neck lmao! its great! and i cant wait till sunday to go play pool with david and redneck (michael burns!) and his wife.. its going to be so much fun! me and redneck together!! i love him! lol! anyways.. me and david are a lot happier now which is great! Redneck is proud now because david was depressed and redneck loves me so he cared what was going on.. i needed someone to talk to so i went and talked to him because hes easy to talk to. so.. hmmm.. got my nails done today with tanya went and had dinner with tanya hit up winn dixie and then applebees for desert! cant wait for tomorrow night.. turco's house, drinking, sleeping over, and then ?? saturday no plans yet dont think.. sunday bbq with davids family and then pool with redneck and his wife.. monday 2 MONTHS!!! spending the day with my love!!

One thing i have to say is ive never been so happy with anyone before which is great.. there is a future ahead for us.. oo yea and i got my tony stewart fone ive been wanting!! My love bought it for me!! i love him soo much!!

Well gotta go.. i love you all! i love my schedule and i love the people in my 3rd hour!

i love david!!

Thats megdoodle at our christmas gift exchange!

Me and my lil sis..

Brandon and Michael..

Thats my sister..

Me and Tanya in the Camaro..

Me driving away in the Camaro..!!

Well thats it for now. just wanted to mess around and see if this actually works!!

good mood!

Tim McGraw.. My Best Friend! (GREAT SONG)

I never had no one
I could count on
I've been let down so many times
I was tired of hurtin'
So tired of searchin'
'Til you walked into my life
It was a feelin'
I'd never known
And for the first time
I didn't feel alone

You're more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
I don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend, oh yeah

You stand by me
And you believe in me
Like nobody ever has
When my world goes crazy
You're right there to save me
You make me see how much I have
And I still tremble
When we touch
And oh the look in your eyes
When we make love

You're more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend

You're more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend (my best friend)
You're my best friend (my best friend)

mixed..!!

MY SIS'S BIRTHDAY WAS YESTERDAY.. SHES 5!!

Well sunday nights dinner was great.. had fun and my family loves david. im glad i finally bring someone home they like. My parents like him a lot and they trust him. Its nice having them finally happy with someone I bring home and my grandparents and aunt and uncle like him too! His parents like me so it all works out.. It feels like we were meant to be, its just when im with him theres nothing around but us. After dinner at Joe's we went to his housen *WATCHED A MOVIE/PLAYED VIDEO GAMES* and then to Wal Mart then I went home. *ended up a little sore.. but shh wont go into details..* lol! awesome night tho babe thank you for going with me.! its nice to know my family likes you! I LOVE YOU DAVID!!

Monday well yesterday was Emily's birthday. My little sister is 5 now and its hard because shes growing up so fast. I wish my brother was around to see her but as long as shes happy I know he is happy. I spent the whole day with her and then did her hair and her make up. She looked so pretty! Went to El Mariachi with my parents and sis and g-parents.. Then went home and played mario kart on my n64 while talking on the fone with david.

Today was fun. Woke up to my fone ringing and then took a shower after playing mario kart and david came and picked me up. We went back to his house and hung out with his parents and me and his mom were "sick buddies" i dont kno but this whole being sick thing really sucks. I hate it. I actually feel better than i did this morning. David and I decided to go to the mall and while waiting for a spot a lady in this expedition backed right up into the side of his car. holy shit ive never seen him so mad in my life. Theres a nice looking dent right by my door and the scary thing was the car like lifted up because while her backing up someone honked at her to stop and i guess it scarred her so she pushed the gas harder.. damn idiot. I feel bad because his car is his fucking wife.. hes in love with his car, its an awesome car I love the car and our day was going good until that.. The funny thing was that when her husband pulled up he was a fucking chink.. no wonder the lady couldnt she had too much chink in her. davids s-dad is like me racist.. loL! but it was funny.. we left and got ice cream and everything was fine so we went and chilled until david had to go to work. I love spending days with him. Time with him is always great I can never see my self with anyone else. Im done messing around and being with mr. wrong, i have found mr. right and im sticking with him!! Then after being droped off at home I went to megdoodles and then to winn dixie and got my check. went and bought mike and his wife chili cookoff tickets and then brought them back to him. I miss winn dixie only because of certain people. Like Jim who i visited tonight and david *my love* , and REDNECK *mike burns*, awesome people.. But Redneck misses me too and we will keep in touch so its all good!! Met matt at applebees after waiting an hour.. gee kid! Decided to go to Wal Mart and look around.. I bought another Garth Brooks cd because mine is still in TEXAS.. Went and got carts with Jim and the other David which was fun i havent seen jim in a while and i miss talking to him and having fun with him (drinking all his coke and having to go get him more)..

Now im here.. expressing and letting everyone know everything. wondering is it good if people know everything about me? I dont know and at this point I really dont care.. As long as im happy and my life is going ok its fine.. If i wanted to tell you I just had the best sex in the world i will because its my journal and I can do what I want.. *im a rebel*. I cant see my self with anyone else. Im happy, hes happy, our families are happy.. and one thing i really like is him having a brother.. Its kewl because his brother reminds me of mine in so many ways and im glad he has that person who looks up to him and how when im at their house i can go and sit and watch him play video games like i use to do with my brother. its good having flashbacks and memories of good things when im around them. My brother was one of the greatest people in my life and meant a lot to me. The fact that hes gone and wont ever see me happy again just kills me but i know down deep inside he would want the best for me and he would want me happy and with david im happy and i kno my brother and him would have got along great! it means a lot to me to have someone in my life that cares about me like he does and i can turn to with any problem. ive never opened up to anyone like i have with him and its awesome.. im going to marry this guy and im going to be happy with him for the rest of my life! i can feel it and so can he. its a connection that ive never had before.. I LOVE YOU DAVID!!! its me you and the future..!

Good night all.. Going to play mario kart and talk on the fone!!

<3 redneck me!!

have i been violated??

I hate being my moms lil bitch..

I hate cleaning the pool expecially when its not dirty.. im busy cleaning my room and all i hear is her yelling clean the pool make sure u do it today or no david going to dinner with us. so of course ima clean it but im soo procrastinating until about 130 or so.. ill do it half-ass so she can fix it.. lmao! but thats me and my mom we never get along.. Going to Joe's Stone Crab tonight for G-Ma/Sis's birthday.. G-ma's is today and Sis's is tomorrow!! Going to be fun.. Cant wait!

Well last night was fun.. Well yesterday. Hung with megdoodle.. went and picked her up around like 230 and then went to specs to buy a dvd and then back home. Well made a stop at Winn Dixie to get cookie stuff and then went to pizza hut to drop an application. Im soo desperate riite now for a new job! i could care less where it is.. I just need money! Hmm.. Went and cut megdoodles pics and put them in photo albums and then she burnt the cookies because i left her in charge while i went home to get more pix.. haha! o well! meg likes them dark! lol! Left megdoodles around like 1030-11 and met david at Wal mart.. walked around he needed stuff for his lights in his car and then drove my car.. *my black camaro* lol.. I love that car and she's all clean for me.. Cant wait to see her later well in about an hour and a half.. YES!!

Ima go clean the pool and help the S-dad bring mulch to the backyard or w/e he's doing but ima good kid and i help out.. oo yea im getting a new phone.. sticking with nextel and my numbers just a new one.. i threw mine way too many times.. getting old looking lmao! love ya all!!

I LOVE DAVID!!!

<3 me..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY G-MA!

Hmm.. All Mixed!

Im glad i get to start a new year happy with someone i love.. Last night was lots of fun.. didnt sleep over his house but stayed till about 1. went to the gas station and saw a bunch of mexicans.. i hate going to the gas station that late expecially last night when everyone there was drunk! lol! it was fun tho.. oo yea hooked up my N64 that i havent played in a while and i have been playing it like all morning. lol! im having fun. typing and letting my nails dry so i can go shower. then out with megdoodle.. my baby has to work tonight.. :(

redneck misses me! i miss him too! dont miss the black bitches tho.. fuck them!

Happy Birthday Sav. hope you have a good one..

Have a happy new year everyone!!! happy 2005!!

<3 Me!

bored..

Well.. anyways i havent updated in a while and im just sitting here doing nuthing because its raining and i have my sis until my mom gets off which she should be getting off early.. so.. i dont kno.. tonights going to be awesome.. im might be sleeping at davids house.. loL! Ive never been so happy with someone before and the feeling is great! Anyways last night was fun.. well yesterday! Went to the mall to look for a new job with tanya and then i went to tanyas house and got her car because mine was out of gas and then david.. not my b/f but my ex met us at tanyas and so we went with him to Griffs and he bought my chili cookoff ticket!! loL! yea!! then i ended up at winn dixie after going back to davids and having pizza and gettin scarred to death by kenny and his short lil friend loL! got myself a new belt buckle! **AMERICAN PRIDE** Went and picked up michael stack went to best buy and met the pimp and then back to wal mart to walk around like always!! soo much fun tho! oo yea got tired took mike home ended up at matts house and chilled there for like an hour.. i dont kno but i cant wait till tonight.. ill let ya all kno how it turns out.. have a happy new year everyone!

I love David.. 11*17*2004

My Schedule.. P.E. 1st and 2nd, Horticulture 3rd and 4th!

loved by david!!

DO THE DEW!

hes the one.. definitely!!

hanging with sav and jenna tomorrow?

taking s-dad to the airport tomorrow round.. 6:30/7?

loved the note left on my car!!

worked today 4-930.. chilled with chad and *car club* at liquor store.. talked with jim while gettin carts..

love ya all.. g2g bye!!

by you..

I have never been happier in my life.. well the reason i did this whole new journal thing was there was a lot of entrees in there i regret ever writing.. i dont kno why i made the decision i did.. and this is just to start over.. its going to take me a while to get everything back to normal but for now this layout and stuff with have to do..

Well its friday night and im babysitting my sister. And hes coming along with us to dinner and i think the mall to look for a jacket for my sis.. sounds like fun.. well im kinda sick and it sucks expecially when im going to new york next week.. ughhh! ill have to get over it tho! lol! today school was fun! i love 4th hour with rob and nick.. lol! good times! and work is getting worse and worse and i hate the fact patricks jealous and starts a bunch of shit.. im out of your life please get out of mine.. u could be fucking any one and everyone and do i care?? HELL NO!

So i hung out with Savanna again it was fun.. i enjoy and miss hanging out with her.. i got to feed Noah and we ate pizza and chilled.. lol! it was fun! need to do it again soon!

Im looking for a new job.. Scruby's sounds good.. lol! come on amber help me out!

Now im going to go lay down for this killer headache to go away!!

MUCH LOVE!

<3nik

cold